struggling

Honestly, I’m struggling. I’m struggling to get through this long English paper and these long days and my quiet social life. What’s ironic about all of this though, is that I usually enjoy writing papers/essays. I usually enjoy having long days, with so many things ahead of me to do and accomplish. I usually enjoy my own company, and not speaking to many people. And yet, I’m still here, struggling to enjoy things that I used to enjoy.

I wish to get back on track soon. I want to feel happy and truly fulfilled with my life. I yearn to be a strong, accomplished, outgoing, intelligent, confident, and beautiful girl that I only imagine myself to be.

I hope I’m not stuck struggling to live my life ever again.

repay them

i feel guilt from leaving them for college

i should be there, helping mama, spending time with my little brother who needs guidance and a friend, and enjoying liverpool games with baba

but… am i wrong for wanting to go to the best university? to get the education that i deserve?

“there’s a small, nice university here. just stay home and go to college at home.”

“but baba, there’s a big, prestigious university there, and i can excel and do so many great things.”

“okay. i won’t prevent you from following your dreams.”

and so, it seemed, there was an understanding between us, even if they still wanted me to stay near home anyway.

i am here at this university to make my future as bright and as fulfilling as it can be. i will repay them. for all of their sacrifices.

inshaAllah.

blissful crying 

i cried to God last night,

even though it should have been on a night 2 years ago.

i am 2 years too late, but i did it.

oh it felt so important

oh it felt so warm

oh it felt so true.

i am a newborn believer

and a survivor of God’s mercy

and i feel real.

it is selfish of me to finally come back only when i realized…that i needed His help so badly.

i hope to not fall apart again

i hope to understand

i hope to fulfill my short life on Earth to the extent that….

i will be a good and believing person.

i wish to become a better me

and a better believer.