Honestly, I’m struggling. I’m struggling to get through this long English paper and these long days and my quiet social life. What’s ironic about all of this though, is that I usually enjoy writing papers/essays. I usually enjoy having long days, with so many things ahead of me to do and accomplish. I usually enjoy my own company, and not speaking to many people. And yet, I’m still here, struggling to enjoy things that I used to enjoy.

I wish to get back on track soon. I want to feel happy and truly fulfilled with my life. I yearn to be a strong, accomplished, outgoing, intelligent, confident, and beautiful girl that I only imagine myself to be.

I hope I’m not stuck struggling to live my life ever again.

repay them

i feel guilt from leaving them for college

i should be there, helping mama, spending time with my little brother who needs guidance and a friend, and enjoying liverpool games with baba

but… am i wrong for wanting to go to the best university? to get the education that i deserve?

“there’s a small, nice university here. just stay home and go to college at home.”

“but baba, there’s a big, prestigious university there, and i can excel and do so many great things.”

“okay. i won’t prevent you from following your dreams.”

and so, it seemed, there was an understanding between us, even if they still wanted me to stay near home anyway.

i am here at this university to make my future as bright and as fulfilling as it can be. i will repay them. for all of their sacrifices.


blissful crying 

i cried to God last night,

even though it should have been on a night 2 years ago.

i am 2 years too late, but i did it.

oh it felt so important

oh it felt so warm

oh it felt so true.

i am a newborn believer

and a survivor of God’s mercy

and i feel real.

it is selfish of me to finally come back only when i realized…that i needed His help so badly.

i hope to not fall apart again

i hope to understand

i hope to fulfill my short life on Earth to the extent that….

i will be a good and believing person.

i wish to become a better me

and a better believer.